A bit of a basket case

I

I have been a bit of a basket case as of late. I have had an awful time at finding balance in my life. What should I be doing with my time? How important is this task I'm working on? Why do I care so much what other people think of me? Why am I bawling my eyes out every day? 

Lets go back a month. This is the day things started getting hairy scary! The day was May 17. It was Kevin's kindergarten orientation. I never received any information on the upcoming orientation so a few days before I called the school and talked to the office secretary who told me the items I needed to have with me and she said, "The orientation is from 9:00-11:00." I asked if it was an open house and she said, "well you wouldn't want to come at 11, because then it would be over." I said thank you and on that beautiful Friday morning I was up and going early and decided we should be the first there, it should only take a few minutes and then we would go on an adventure. Cody had to work and so I readied all of the kids and we were in the car at 9;00 when I realized I forgot the birth certificate. I ran back in the house and we were on our way. 

I pulled into the school parking lot at 9:11 pretty pleased with myself and just as I was parking my phone rang. It was the principle. She said, "Mrs. Gray. Are you coming to the orientation?" I explained that I had just parked and would be right in. I hustled the kids out of the car at top speed as we were about to walk in the front door Kevin stepped in front of the stroller and I hit him hard. Right in the ankle. It was awful. You know how bad ankles hurt. The principle appeared right as I was trying to comfort Kevin informing me that we needed to hurry because it was already started. We first walk into the office where they want to take Kevin's picture. He looked so sad with red eyes and a forced smile. The secretary said to me, "we need to hurry, didn't you know it started at 9?" I apologized for being late and said, "I understood it was an open house. I'm really sorry." The secretary pointed to a sign that read, "Orientation" and said, "Orientation does NOT mean open house. The principle then whisked us away telling us that we needed to hurry. (It's 9:16 by now.) The kindergarteners would go to one room to be tested on their skills while the parents go to another to be oriented. We walk into the room with the kindergarteners and Kevin takes off. Julia started after him and I called her back and said we were ready to go on our way. The principle said, "You can't just leave him here. What if he gets scared? Should you give him time to adapt?" I explained that he had done 2 years of preschool and a year of 4 year old kindergarten and that he was fine. As we turn to walk out the door she says, "Let me see if your little girl can stay. You wont be able to handle all of your kids in orientation." Julia was thrilled and I was fine to let her stay, she'd have more fun anyway. We hustle off to orientation and before the principle opens the door she reminds me that it has already started because we are late. When she opens the door I look in to see 8 tables with Mom's and Dad's sitting around them. After taking a quick inventory I notice I'm one of three that does not have the child's Father present. Ugh. and I'm 1 of 17 sets of parents that has my children with me. Upon further investigation I notice two Mom's throwing a beach ball back and forth, a mom and dad beading a necklace, another Mom and Dad sorting objects. Another lady then comes up to me and hands me a check list informing me that because I am late I wont be able to complete it, but I'll need to try to do as many activities as possible. I wanted to scream...You made such a HUGE deal about what time I am here and I need to practice sorting objects, building playdough molds, and spelling words with magnetic letters. WHAT?!?

I picked a table with a familiar face. Paisley's Dad. (I don't even know is name, but he brings his little girl to story time every week.) As I sit the same lady comes to tell me that at this table I can either bead a necklace for my child, do a puzzle, or build with some building blocks. So, I helped Lacey make Kevin a necklace. Then the timer buzzed for us to switch tables. As I sit down the lady hands me three jars, one has a # 1, the next a 2 and the last a 3. She then hands me colored balls and tells me to put as many balls into the jar as the number is written on it. *For real lady...I was rushed in here to sort balls. Do you know I do things like this all day long with my kids?* And then after the buzzer went off, the same lady told me that because I was late that would be all I would be able to complete. *BUMMER!* We were then oriented, read as --handed a stack of papers to fill out. It took me about 10 minutes to fill them all out and in that time Lacey consumed about as many cookies. We were then to meet up with our kindergarteners to ride the bus. The lady said, "It's optional." Well, Kevin is a bus riding pro so I planned to skip it. But, as we were meeting up with our kindergarteners Kevin and Julia were so excited because the teacher said they were going on the bus. As we were walking out, two or three parents mentioned how I had my hands full. *Um thanks.* and then I was left with the principle next to me again. I said to her, "Can Kevin and Julia ride the bus without me? They've both ridden on one before." to which she said, "Well, what if they get scared!?" *Uh, there are 16 other children and their parents on the bus, plus the bus driver... I think they'll be good!* So I said Ok, and walked up to a man that lives down the street from us that I'd never met but knew his son from our kids playing together and asked if my kids could ride the bus with him and they were on their way. 

The second we loaded into the car, I started to shake... and then I called my Mom. WORST IDEA ever. I then bawled and bawled and bawled... the whole day through. Why did I show up to orientation with 4 kids? Why did I think it was an open house? Am I a bad Mom for thinking Kevin was fine to just drop off? Why did he have to fake a smile for a picture when his ankle was hurting so bad (it had a gnarly cut on it)? Why me? I had been hoping to meet a few Moms since I still know no one. And the only thing I did was stick out like a sore thumb. It was an awful experience. As we were getting out of the car Kevin said, "are you crying because that lady was mean to you?" I said yes, and then realized that Kevin didn't care, he was totally fine. I thought for sure I'd ruined his kindergarten life. Why did I care what the other parents thought? I wanted 4 kids and I wanted 4 kids close together. I have what I wanted and I'm happy about that. So, get happy lady and enjoy it!

So... what should I be doing with my time. I'd really like to finish up the last years scrap book, but I don't feel like I've had a spare second to sit and work on it. I'd really like to have my house clean but every time I turn around I'm deeper in a mess. 

But last week, Cody was gone for the second week in a row and I threw in the towel. I was a basket case. I'm not sure why, we went to the beach four times. We went for ice cream, we watched movies, and at lunch time we played games. then yesterday, I dressed my kids like this... (because I can't help it) and I took them to the drag races and then we went to an open house for a return missionary. (A real open house, show up when you want, leave when you want.) and I realized, that there will be a day when I have five minutes and I'll work on a few scrap book pages, and there will be a spare minute here or there when I'll mop, and when I tuck them into bed I'll fold that last batch of laundry. 

and for right now, for the next few years, this is what I'm doing with my time. I'm snapping pictures of these cuties, I'm taking these fun kids to do fun things, I'm teaching these kids how to share, how to do house work, how to spell words, how to weed the flower bed. 

and when I snapped this picture of Kevin holding Elena at church today, I realized....

This is right. I've found my balance. No more tears. This is what I'm supposed to be doing and I love it!

I am blessed and I know it!